


Promise

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [10]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, Depressed Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: It took thirteen years for their hurt and anger to diminish enough for them to listen to Nile. And another two until they finally decided that they missed Booker more than they were angry with him.“I forget sometimes,” Booker says after a while, “that I’m real. And so, I just-” he trails off for a second, “I just needed to feel something.”“Does it happen often?” Booker hums an affirmative, “How long?”“Since before my first death.” he sounds sad now.“The others were surprised, I take it they didn’t know?”“Just under two-hundred years together and they don’t even know the half of it.”
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Everyone, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nile Freeman
Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881205
Comments: 18
Kudos: 274





	Promise

It took thirteen years for their hurt and anger to diminish enough for them to listen to Nile. And another two until they finally decided that they missed Booker more than they were angry with him. 

Copley tracked him down and found him in Berlin. It made sense, it was easier to blend in in larger cities. The reunion had been less joyous than Joe had expected, Booker had opened his door when they rang his bell and all they got from him was his eyes widening in surprise before they dimmed over again. He asked them if something was wrong and when they said that nothing was, he asked them what they needed help with, voice completely devoid of emotion. 

He had nodded when Andy told him he was coming home and that they wanted to come to terms with the betrayal together. He didn’t have a lot and he packed it all up in about half an hour and then they were on the road. They felt so stumped by the reaction that Nile had to keep the conversation going but even that didn’t last for long because Booker fell asleep. 

He’s skinnier than they last saw him, disturbingly so. His face was gaunt and his collarbones were clearly visible due to the uneven buttoning of his shirt. They caught him changing once and after that Nicky went on a personal mission to get him to regain some weight, his ribs and hipbones shouldn’t be sticking out like they did. 

It was hard to get him to eat though, he constantly insisted he wasn’t hungry and one night they all pestered him too much. They made him eat two servings of lasagna and by the last bite Booker had looked clammy and pale before he rushed to the bathroom, needing to throw up. He had shrugged off their apologies and drank some water before excusing himself to bed. 

He sleeps a lot. Nodding off as they watch movies together and going to bed hours before the rest of them do and not getting up until midday. At first Joe thought he might be catching up on sleep lost because of his dreams of Quynh but Nicky points out he’s had fifteen years to do that. It nags at the back of his mind constantly. Joe had really thought that Booker would be happy to be back with them but it seems he prefers to be on his own now. 

He’s pretty sure he’s not the only one that’s irked by it and it’s confirmed one day after he, Nicky and Nile went shopping together and got home to yelling. It’s muffled as they approach the house but the minute the door opens it’s like a megaphone is blasting noise. 

“We didn’t bring you back just so you could lay in bed all day like a moody teeanger!” Andy’s voice echoes and Joe drops the groceries on the floor to rush in and he hears Nile and Nicky hot on his heels. 

Andy is standing in Booker’s room, red in the face as if she’s been at it for a while and Booker, well, Booker just lays there. His eyes are still so dim even as they’re glazed over with unshed tears.

“Then send me away again.” He mutters and turns over on his side, pulling the covers over his head, “I still got eighty five years, after all.” 

“Pull your head out of your ass and fucking get up!” Andy goes to grab at the covers but Nile steps in front of her, defiant in a way the rest of them never are.

“Andy,” Nile says calmly and places a hand on her shoulder, “a word, please.” 

He gestures for Nicky and Joe to leave as well and they go. Nile takes Andy outside, probably to help her let out some steam in a way that doesn’t involve screaming at people. He and Nicky set about putting away the groceries and start making dinner, opting for soup since it’ll probably be easier on Booker’s stomach and now that he thinks about it, soup always makes Andy drowsy and a sleepy Andy is always better than an angry one. 

He hears a door open as he chops up some vegetables and he smiles at Booker when he sees he’s got a towel and clothes clutched in his arms as he heads for the bathroom. In his solitude it seems like he’d forgotten about personal hygiene and they’ve had to remind him to wash up a lot in the weeks he’s been back with them. Perhaps Andy’s tough love worked on him. 

It’s about an hour later that Andy and Nile come back inside and the soup has been simmering for quite a while, waiting to be served. Andy seats herself by the table, she looks far calmer and Joe smiles, eternally grateful for Nile. The woman in question heads for Booker’s room and when she finds it empty she looks at them, eyebrows raised.

“Where is he?”

“He’s taking a shower-” Nicky trails off and glances at the clock, “He’s been in there for a while now.” 

Joe frowns, Booker has always been quick about washing up but he can still hear the water running. He walks over to the bathroom and raps his knuckles on the door. 

“Book?” he calls out and waits for a reply, he doesn’t get one, “You alright in there?”

Still no response and he thinks fuck it, and tries the handle, it’s unlocked and with a quick glance at the others he pushes the door open. To his surprise Booker doesn’t even yelp in surprise behind the shower curtain and he can’t help his curiosity and pulls it aside and he feels his heart drop. 

There, on the floor of the shower, is Booker, legs sprawled in front of him as he methodically runs a knife across healing skin. The water under him is tainted in blood and he doesn’t even seem to have noticed Joe is there. 

“What are you doing?” he yells as he falls to his knees and wrenches the knife out of his grasp and Booker lets out a whine as he gets his knees under him, leaning forward to try and get it back. His movements are uncoordinated but when he finally gets a hold of Joe’s hand he doesn’t let go, trying weakly to get the knife out of his grasp. “Stop!” Joe throws the knife behind him and Booker screams. 

It’s a raw, almost animalistic sound and then he quiets down. Joe thought that would be it, but next thing he knows, Booker is slamming his head into the tiled wall, over and over again until Joe finally springs into action. He lurches into the shower and grabs his head and pulls to his chest, not caring about how his clothes are getting wet and trying to ignore the warm wetness that’s coming from Booker’s head. 

They stay there for a while, the water runs cold over them and only when Booker stops struggling in his arms does he let go. He quickly grabs the showerhead and rinses the blood out of Booker’s hair and Nicky is there to help them up. They wrap Booker up in towels and Nile takes over from there, leading him back to his room. 

Joe feels utterly drained and he silently lets Nicky help him out of his wet clothes and into dry ones. The soup heats up his chilled body but it does not provide the usual comfort it does. Nile doesn’t join them for dinner and Andy slinks away to her own room as soon as she's done eating. 

“Help me wash the dishes.” Nicky says softly and Joe is thankful he knows him so well, he needs something to busy himself with. 

Nicky heads off to bed and Joe takes a moment to gather himself before heading towards Booker’s room but he freezes when he sees the door is slightly ajar as voices filter out of the room. He knows he shouldn’t be eavesdropping but he still inches closer, making sure to keep his footsteps light. 

“Why did you do that?” Nile’s tone is gentle, as if she’s speaking to an upset child but Joe doesn’t think it sounds patronising, he hopes Booker thinks the same. 

“I didn’t mean for you to see it.” again, that damn emotionless tone of his. 

“You’re not answering the question.” Nile sighs and Joe hears bed sheets rustling, “Why did you hurt yourself like that?” 

“I forget sometimes,” Booker says after a while, “that I’m real. And so, I just-” he trails off for a second, “I just needed to feel something.” 

“Does it happen often?” Booker hums an affirmative, “How long?” 

“Since before my first death.” he sounds sad now.

“The others were surprised, I take it they didn’t know?” 

“Just under two-hundred years together and they don’t even know the half of it.” Joe feels shame creep up his spine.

“Why don’t you tell them?” Nile asks softly and Joe really hopes she’s holding Booker, he must need that closeness that the rest of them have never offered him. 

It’s quiet for a while, and then, “I don’t want them to see it.”

“See what exactly?” 

“How broken I am.” he sounds so tired, “They’ll see how useless I really am and they’ll leave.”

Joe doesn’t stay to hear what Nile says and rushes to Nicky who simply holds his arms open and lets him press his face into the crook of his neck, softly shushing him as he cries. 

“He’s hurting so badly,” Joe sobs and Nicky tightens the embrace, holding him together as he falls apart, “all this time, and we didn’t know.”

“We knew.” Nicky murmurs sadly and sniffles. 

“Not enough.” Joe shakes his head, “We can’t leave him. We have to help him.” 

“We will.” Nicky assures determinantly, “He’s our little brother. We’ll take care of him.” 

Booker doesn’t get up the next day and Nile brings him food and stays with him for most of the day. When dinner comes Joe asks if he can go instead and Nile smiles up at him, squeezing his arm before passing him the tray of food. 

“M’not hungry.” Booker says as soon as Joe pushes the door open and his eyes widen when he sees it’s him and not Nile, and then he looks away. 

“Just eat a little, please?” Joe sets the tray on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed, feeling awkward and out of place.

Booker just takes a few bites of the food but at least he drinks all of the water. He lays down again and looks at Joe as if he’s trying to figure him out. He opens his mouth a few times as if he’s about to speak but it becomes evident he can’t find his words and his eyes flutter as if he’s trying to stay awake. 

“Is this because we left you?” Joe asks after a too long silence.

“Yes,” Booker says numbly, “and no.”

“What does that mean?” 

“It gets bad sometimes. My head.” he taps his temple, “It just gets really-” he trails off, words slurring a bit, “Sometimes it’s just a few weeks, other times a year, and this time it’s been one and a half decade.”

“You could have told us, y’know.” Joe tilts his head back and blinks against the tears gathering in his eyes, “We could have helped.”

“Do you really want to?” Booker scoffs, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“Yes.”

“Don’t give me false hope.” he’s struggling to keep his eyes open, “Please.” 

“We won’t leave.” Joe says and places a hand on his cheek, “We’ll be right here.” 

“Promise?” Booker asks weakly, eyes falling shut.

“Promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> This is a request fill from an ask on Tumblr, come talk to me over there pls:  
> [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://ebbatriestowrite.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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